How do you tell someone they arent listening to them?

5 signs someone isn't actually listening to you

Sep 17, 2018, 12:02 PM

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5 signs someone isn't actually listening to you
Part 1 Part 1 of 3:Observing Facial Cues
Part 2 Part 2 of 3:Pay Attention to Body Language
Part 3 Part 3 of 3:Checking Verbally
17 Reasons People Aren't Listening to You
Do you feel sometimes like you are talking to a brick wall? Perhaps you are guilty of one or more of these offenses.

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There are some telltale signs that someone probably isn't listening to you.NBC

Sometimes, speaking to other people can quickly turn into an "in one ear and out the other" situation. It's never fun to hold a conversation with folks who just aren't listening to you or paying any sort of real attention.

But how can you tell simply by looking who is and who isn't giving you their full attention? It's simple – there are various degrees of different body language you can read to understand what's happening and decipher whether or not your audience is listening.

Here are a few dead giveaways that you can usually rely on to point you in the right direction.

Part 1 Part 1 of 3:Observing Facial Cues

1
Check if their eyes are on yours. If their eyes are wandering all over the room, seeing what else is going on, they aren’t listening to you. It’s an uphill battle trying to talk to someone who is checking their phone, staring at their computer, looking out a window, or seeing what everyone else is up to. Someone who is actively listening will make eye contact with you to show that they hear what you’re saying.[1]
- On the other hand, eye contact that is unwavering can be a sign that they want to look like they’re listening when they aren’t. The key is that eye contact is natural and relaxed, rather than forced and tense.[2]
- Some people are shy and uncomfortable with making steady eye contact. If they're looking away from you but otherwise seem attentive and tuned-in, they are still probably listening.
2
Look for a “plastered” smile. If someone wants to appear to be listening, they’ll smack on a smile and call it a day. Look for the unnatural smile that looks like it’s just permanently glued on to their face. That’s probably not genuine, and that means their interest probably isn’t genuine either![3]
- Just like with eye contact, the important thing to notice is that the listener seems tuned-in but still relaxed.
- Many people know how to look like they’re listening when they’re not, so any actions that seem robotic and insincere probably are.
3
Observe the motion of their head. If it’s extremely still, they might be zoned out. If they’re staring at you with glazed-over eyes but not moving their head at all, their mind might be on a different planet. However, if they’re nodding aggressively to everything you are saying, they might be simply overcompensating physically in order to appear attentive. Instead, look for relaxed heads that nod at the correct moments.[4] Everything should feel and look natural.

Part 2 Part 2 of 3:Pay Attention to Body Language

1
See if their body is angled toward yours. This is key. When someone becomes fully engaged in what someone else is saying, they tend to shift their body to point towards the speaker. When you’re speaking to someone, observe how they position their body and the space they put between you. If they face you and lean closer, you most likely have their genuine attention. If their body is angled away and they lean back, they aren’t fully in the conversation, or they want the conversation to end. [5]
2
Check if they’re fidgeting. If someone is bored with the conversation, antsy to finish it, or just thinking about something else altogether, they tend to fidget. They might play with their watch or necklace, tap their fingers, or adjust their clothing. Maybe they fix their hair or move around in their seat. When someone is listening well, they won’t be worried about these little distractions, and their body will be still. [6]
- People often don’t even notice when they’re fidgeting. They’re probably not trying to insult you or give you a hint that they’re bored, simply unaware that they’re doing it.
3
Determine if they are mirroring you. When someone is enthralled in a conversation and really connecting with what you’re saying, their body language will mimic yours. Perhaps they’ll lean to one side when you do, or cross their legs after you do. Even if you’re standing and they’re sitting, people who are totally absorbed will tend to subtly mirror your movements. This is a major indication that they are totally focused on what you have to say. If they aren’t mirroring your gestures, their mind might not be in the conversation fully.[7]
- If the conversation is tense or emotional, they may not mirror you. It doesn’t always mean they aren’t listening, it’s simply one clue.

Part 3 Part 3 of 3:Checking Verbally

1
Ask follow-up questions. This is easy. If you think they aren’t listening, simply ask something like, “So, what do you think?” If they respond with, “Wait, about what?” then they probably weren’t in the conversation to begin with. Ask for opinions and feedback to ensure that they’re engaged in the conversation. You can even simply say things like, “We went to this restaurant– have you ever been there?” Their responses are the easiest ways to know if they’re listening or not.
2
Throw in something strange or unrelated. If their eyes are wandering, their body is turned away, their foot is tapping, and they just seem totally oblivious to what you’re saying, test them. If you’re telling them a straightforward story about something that happened to you, say something like, “So after that, both of my parents were killed in a vicious unicorn attack.” If they nod and say, “Uh huh,” then walk away. They aren’t listening to a word you’re saying.
- Not only is this a way to see if they’re listening, but it can also be a bit of fun for you. Get creative with your interjections.
- If you’re concerned about how the other person will react, or if they respond with confusion, you can cover your bases by adding something like, “Just thought I’d toss that in there to liven things up!”
3
Say, “Are you listening to me?” It can’t get more candid than that. If you have reasons to believe that someone isn’t focused on your words, ask them. Many people will be caught off-guard by the question, and this can help them re-focus. They’ll realize that you’re noticing their mind wandering.
- This can also be a helpful way to figure out why they aren’t listening. They might respond with something like, “I’m sorry, I’m trying to, but I really need to get to class,” or perhaps, “I was, but an ice cream truck just drove right behind you and I got distracted.” This might clear the air.

17 Reasons People Aren't Listening to You

Do you feel sometimes like you are talking to a brick wall? Perhaps you are guilty of one or more of these offenses.

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By Kevin Daum, Inc. 500 entrepreneur and best-selling author@KevinJDaum

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Everyone wants to be heard. Sometimes it can be hard to get people's attention, or get above the noise. There's nothing worse than having a conversation with people and feeling like you are the only person involved.

If you often feel like you are talking to yourself in conversations and meetings, it’s possible you are the problem. Granted, few people are great listeners, but you might not be giving them the reason to listen. Or worse, you might be shutting them down in some manner.

Here are a number of communication offenses that make people close their ears and brains in conversation. They are easy to recognize and remedy. Today is a great day to start.

1. You're whining.

I'm not really sure why human beings are capable of whining. It doesn’t really serve a useful purpose for the whiner. On the bright side, your whining loudly tells others that you are a pain to work with and they should beware. You might choose a more stealth approach to getting your point across.

2. You're thinking or speaking only of yourself.

Communication is an interaction between multiple people and you are violating the rules by being narcissistic and self-absorbed. Make your communication empathetic so you can engage the others emotionally. Save your self-interest for your Facebook page.

3. You won't shut up.

If you go on and on in a redundant manner, not only will your audience be bored to death, but they can't engage in your story or anecdote. At some point they will just tune out. Break up your droning and cut the long-winded speeches.

4. You interrupt.

When people are speaking, cutting them off mid-thought will not only distract them, it will likely offend them. Then, instead of listening to your new thought, they will be busy thinking about what an insensitive jerk you are. Even if you are a fast thinker, you may not actually know what others will say. Take notes with your own thoughts and give others a chance to finish.

5. You begin with, "Actually, you're wrong."

You may as well just put someone in a soundproof booth. When you belittle someone's thoughts or ideas, you kick-start their inner voice. Their brain will now try to figure out how you are wrong and why you are such a mean person. Give their idea consideration and let your position stand on it's own merits.

6. You cry wolf.

When you call the cavalry too many times, no one believes a word you're saying. All the drama you've created is like a repellent keeping people away. Worse, you've lost credibility for when there is actually an important message you need to get across.

7. You don't care about what you're saying.

People can tell when you are dispassionate about your ideas and thoughts. If you don't feel excited and energetic about what you're communicating, what's the point in saying it? Save your talking for the times when you have conviction.

8. You don't know what you're saying.

Knowledge is easily accessible these days. People can readily tell when you are communicating beyond your expertise, and they are not afraid to call you out on it. Most times they will just shut you off in their head. Show discretion. Be the expert when you can and learn from others when you can't.

9. You wander.

Where was I? Oh yes, when you are trying to get a point across, people are following you. If you lead them off track, they will likely stay there. Slow down. Think through what you want to say. Then say it succinctly and with purpose instead of bouncing around.

10. What you are saying is insignificant.

Some people talk and talk about nothing in particular just to hear themselves talk. That's fine — if you are only interested in talking to yourself. Useless chatter will drive away people who value their time. Ask yourself if what you have to say is truly important. As Gandhi asked, "Does it improve upon the silence?" If not, leave it unsaid.

11. What you are saying is irrelevant.

If you enjoy irritating people, just interject random thoughts into important conversations. People are constantly evaluating your intelligence by what comes out of your mouth. Don’t give them a reason to lower their opinion. Contribute to the conversation in a productive manner that moves it forward.

12. You start with, "I'm sorry . . ."

Unless you actually offended someone, beginning your statements with an apology is like apologizing for your very existence. I have been told that women in business do this far more than men. Be strong and confident with your communication. When your words and presence add value, you don't have to apologize. (Canadians of course are forgiven for this due to cultural habit.)

13. You don't hold up your end of the bargain.

People listen to people they trust. If you tell them you will do something and don’t do it, they have no reason to listen to you ever again. Walk your talk. People who say one thing and do another are either hypocrites or liars, and either way they forfeit their right to be heard.

14. You never take action on what you hear.

Most people want to connect with people worthy of their time. Do your part. People who contribute little of value generally won’t earn the time and attention of those who contribute much.

15. You're always negative.

Many find rampant pessimism to be demotivating and painful. You don’t have to be a cheerful optimist all the time, but if nothing positive comes from your lips, people won’t be interested in much you have to say. Find the bright spot and share it, even if you have to accompany the downside.

16. What you say is trite.

There is nothing wrong with a cliche here or there, but if your entire conversation is derivative drivel then people will just move on and find something fresh. Find some new stories and sayings to make your point. People always listen to those who can keep their attention with surprise and excitement.

17. You never listen to anyone else.

Effective communication is a reciprocal process. If you aren't an active listener with the people around you, then they will feel little obligation or desire to listen to you. Make your active listening to the other person your first priority. You'll be surprised then how often you are invited to share your opinion with an attentive audience.

Aug 21, 2015

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