Why does my dad not love me Reddit

I'm a teenage male and this has kind of been bugging me for a while. I don't seem to have any interest in my father, as a son or anything. I certainly don't hate him, but I feel no further connection than with any acquaintance. It honestly feels like a chore to spend time with him, I simply lack interest in him.

How unnormal is it? I feel I've been growing more detached over the last few years. I'd like to emphasize that my father has not harmed me in any way and I have no negative experiences with him.

Edit: Thanks for the replies everyone. I'd like to clarify that from an outward glance, everything is as perfect as it can be: I spend time with him, I appreciate all that he does for me, and he derives pleasure from spending time with me. In terms of being a teenager, I'm extremely obedient to both of my parents and don't engage in the usual stupid behavior of my peers.

This is more of an inward struggle, which I am very good at hiding.

[Serious] Parents of reddit who no longer love their children, why don't you love them anymore? from AskReddit

I don't know where to start. This is long. I'm so sorry. This is a throwaway account, because anonymous.

Someone suggested I post here, as it could be therapeutic, in a sense. I'm not an eloquent story-teller by any means, so I apologize in advance for the back and forth quality of this, it's just a lot.

I don't know how to feel about my father, how to deal with my emotions towards him and what he did anymore.

My family consists of my mom, father, myself, and one younger brother.

When I was younger, I remember my family being super close. My mom gave up her career to stay home and home-school my brother and I, which is something I'm grateful for, absolutely.

My father worked as a firefighter and on an emergency response task force. I remember being real close to him. I would cry every time he was deployed to some disaster with the task force, begging him to stay home and not leave me. I remember, every time he'd come home from one, he'd always bring me a small gift such as a stuffed animal, or an ornament, something like that. He would often take me on father-daughter "dates," out to movies or a restaurant. He'd bring me along to a lot of his fire conferences later on when he was promoted to a higher position; he'd show me around, portray me in a good light, say how proud he was of me. He'd take me on car rides with my brother, and we'd sing together to songs on the christian radio station. He taught me just about everything I know about cooking, inspired my love for it; From a young age, he and I would make the Thanksgiving meal together every year, as it was tradition. He came to every sporting event I was in, every dance recital, piano recital, awards ceremony, all of it. He taught me how to play numerous card games, and we spent hours upon hours, laughing and having fun.

Then, I don't know. I don't know. It stopped.

Sixth grade for me was hard. I went to a private school for the first time, was severely bullied, and ended up begging my parents to pull me out after the first semester, which they did. My father changed. I was diagnosed with depression, I started realizing how much I hated my own body, I couldn't sleep, I was anxious. I started "rebelling" from my family's "Christian values" lifestyle, listening to secular music and going "emo." My father distanced himself from me, and it hurt. This was my cry out for help, and I felt he was ashamed of me, for not being strong enough to stay in school, for breaking his values, all of it.

Jump to my sophomore year of high school, I started going to another private school, because my mom wanted me to make friends (as I had none). At this point, my parents were...odd. My father had pretty much stopped being around me, stopped asking to do things with me, everything had stopped. He was now all in it with my younger brother. Whatever, at the time it hurt, but I thought it was fine, sure, bottle up those emotions. My parents started sleeping in separate rooms, started fighting constantly, and stopped..parenting? My mom was highly depressed and sick, my father was gone constantly now, so I became the parent to my brother, especially once I got my driver's license. I did everything for him, took him everywhere, helped him with school, cooked and cleaned house, took care to make sure bills were being paid, everything. All this while still in school, trying to be a perfectionist in academia because I wanted so badly to impress my parents, especially my father.

Senior year, shit hits the fan. My parents divorce, father moves out in September, right after I go back to school. My brother and I stay with my mom, but we're supposed to see my father every weekend.

He never wants to see us.

Okay, that hurts, okay, but whatever, right? At least I'm still bottling.

I then find out everything, and I mean everything.

My father has been cheating on my mom for years, YEARS. He had taken out tons of secret credit cards and racked up tens of thousands in debt by spending money on other women. My mom has been sick her whole life, with many cancer scares and such, and my father had been cold, telling her that he wished she would die, so that he'd be free. He was now a high-high-up commander in the fire department, making a bunch of money, yet he squandered it all on women and stupid purchases he couldn't afford, like a brand new high-end SUV, TV, etc.

I'm furious. At this time, it's been about three months since he moved out, and he still hasn't contacted me or my brother. One day, he finally comes to see us, but my brother also found out what he'd done, and started a huge fight that turned partly physical between him and my father. I don't remember much of it, only that they were yelling, my mom ran and hid in her room, and I broke down crying. My mom and brother left, I don't know why I didn't go with them. I remember my father looking at me, asking me why I was crying, and all I remember was saying, "You don't love us. Why do you hate us? Why do you hate me?" He just stood there, and did nothing. He left. I was alone in this big house that had never felt more empty in my life.

After this, I tell myself I hate him. Senior year, I won a bunch of academic awards, and I always still invited him to the ceremony just, I don't know, out of courtesy? He never showed.

Spring of senior year, he's somehow won my brother over to him (by throwing money at him, 'cause my poor brother, whole other story). He's convinced my brother that my mom is the evil one, that she caused everything, and that he was in the right to cheat on her and do all this other crap. My brother starts wanting to stay with my father, while I stay with my mom. My father attends every single one of my brother's games, ceremonies, etc. He throws money at my brother like it's nothing, but he refused to help me when I desperately needed to go to the doctor, claiming he couldn't afford it. I'm pissed he does everything for my brother, but now never wants to see me or help me.

He shows up to my graduation, which shocked me. Turns out, it was only for his own gain. He took a picture of me speaking at the ceremony, where behind me on the screen it said "Honor society president" or some shit like that. He posted it online, got a lot of praise, and then acted as if he'd had anything to do with my academic accomplishments.

He then didn't have contact with me for the next 6 months.

Let's fast forward more, I know this is long, I'm upset, losing track, so here's a jist of stuff.

I'm a senior in college now. My brother dropped out of college and lives with my dad. My mom has lost a lot of weight, gotten healthier, got back into the workforce after 18 years, worked her way up to a good position, and helped me and my brother in every way she possibly could. I now live in my own place with my fiance and two roommates.

Since high school, my father has continued to try to torment my mother, especially by using my brother against her, which breaks her heart. He's bought my brother a new fancy SUV, new phones, new designer clothes, etc., but has refused to help me buy new tires after mine gave out, pay a $20 co-pay when I was sick and needed to go to the doctor, just little things. Which, fine, he's not obligated to do so, I get it, but it still stings, you know? I've been inducted into a million honor societies in college, and he only showed up for one, posting about it online once again because it was the most prestigious one in the country or whatever. He doesn't ever talk to me unless he needs something from me. When I've been around him, he has barely spoken, usually only talking to my brother, ignoring me. For the longest time, he didn't know what my major in college was, sometimes still forgets. I've worked hard as hell in school, because I'm a perfectionist and I just want to impress him. I've worked hard in the jobs I've had, earning respect from everyone except him. He still just never cares, only cares about my brother now, only helps him, lets him drop out, live for free, not have a job for the longest time, throw parties, etc. Yet, I don't even get a "good job."

Here's the kicker.

I'm getting married in six months. He had the audacity to say he wants to walk me down the aisle. In private, I've just broken. I feel like an asshole, and I don't know, don't understand. He never talks to me, wants anything to do with me, so I feel this is just another way to have him be shown in a positive light, like he's some sort of good father walking his daughter on her wedding day, and that hurts. I feel like I'd be an ass for saying no, and I don't know. It hurts, I don't want to be walked down alone, I don't want to sit and watch my fiance dance with his mom while I don't dance with my father.

It's like he doesn't understand, he just doesn't care. He doesn't get how:

I can't play card games without wanting to cry.

It took me years to be able to cook or bake for fun without it hurting me, that memory of him teaching me and helping me.

I still cry every single Thanksgiving, have to tell people to leave the house while I'm cooking because I get so angry, so upset, that I snap, because I'm in pain, this thing I love to do so tainted.

I cry every father's day and avoid social media, because I hate seeing people post their fathers, get so jealous, so mad, so upset.

How I feel so inadequate, like I've done something wrong, like I'm a failure in his eyes, not the daughter he hoped for, just some hollow shell of the daughter he used to love.

How I still look out in the audience at every ceremony, hoping to see him, even though I say I don't care if he shows or not, and being so sad when he's not there, as usual.

You see, weird thing, too. I want to work with the incarcerated, to help them. I can forgive them for the things they've done, pretty much with no problem. I see the good in them, I want to help. But my father, I can't even forgive my father. How can I forgive people who've taken a life, but not even my own father? It tears at me.

I'm depressed, so anxious, and I have so much built up anger in me it's bursting at the seams. My teachers are concerned recently, seeing a change in my behavior, seeing me show up less to class. I feel bad, and the closer this wedding gets, the more all this pent up bullshit is now starting to destroy me, because I just don't even know. I really don't.

I know he and my mom are never going to be good. I know the divorce wasn't my fault, I do.

I just still feel like such a failure, even with all my academic accomplishments, just not having him like me crushes it all, makes it meaningless. I don't know what I did to warrant him not loving me anymore, I don't know if it's because I'm depressed, because I couldn't be stronger in the sixth grade, if it's because I dress in black and listen to metal, if it's cause I didn't go to his side and shun my mother, act like she's in the wrong. I don't know.

I don't know what to do about my wedding situation. Everything is crashing and exploding around me, I feel like a shell.

I've tried therapy, I've been on medications, I've tried recreational therapy, writing, games, music, etc. It hasn't worked. I'm still so angry.

This has been so hard to write. I don't know if it is even coherent, makes any sense. I'm crying, and I just hope I feel better soon, because I have shit to do, but this had killed my motivation, and I feel he'll always be holding me down.

I am so angry. I am so damn angry. I hate him, but I don't. I can't forgive, I can't forget, I can't move on. Everyone around me has moved on, and I'm stuck.

I'm 21 now, yet 17 year old me is still standing in that big empty house, crying, asking, "Why don't you love me anymore?"