Which of the following is not an effective listening steps?

10 Steps To Effective Listening

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Use these listening skills.

by Dianne Schilling

You might also enjoy this article: 9 Small Steps That Will Make You Happier, Starting Now

In today's high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another. Genuine listening has become a rare gift—the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.

Here are 10 tips to help you develop effective listening skills.

Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.

Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person's divided attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent? If the person were your child you might demand, "Look at me when I'm talking to you," but that's not the sort of thing we say to a lover, friend or colleague.

In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. That doesn't mean that you can't carry on a conversation from across the room, or from another room, but if the conversation continues for any length of time, you (or the other person) will get up and move. The desire for better communication pulls you together.

Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don't look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.

Step 2:Be attentive, but relaxed.

Now that you've made eye contact, relax. You don't have to stare fixedly at the other person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a normal person. The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to "attend" another person means to:

• be present
• give attention
• apply or direct yourself
• pay attention
• remain ready to serve

Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker's accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don't be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.

Step 3:Keep an open mind.

Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don't say to yourself, "Well, that was a stupid move." As soon as you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you've compromised your effectiveness as a listener.

Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don't know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you'll find out is by listening.

Don't be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can't slow his mental pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base, because he is following his own train of thought and doesn't learn where my thoughts are headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, "Do you want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have to say?" I wouldn't do that with everyone, but it works with him.

Step 4:Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.

Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and remember, key words and phrases.

When it's your turn to listen, don’t spend the time planning what to say next. You can't rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the other person is saying.

Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.

Step 5:Don't interrupt and don't impose your "solutions."

Children used to be taught that it's rude to interrupt. I'm not sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

• "I'm more important than you are."
• "What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant."
• "I don't really care what you think."
• "I don't have time for your opinion."
• "This isn't a conversation, it's a contest, and I'm going to win."

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is onyouto relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.

When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don't want your advice anyway. If we do, we'll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker's permission. Ask, "Would you like to hear my ideas?"

Step 6:Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.

When you don't understand something, of course you should ask the speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, "Back up a second. I didn't understand what you just said about…"

Step 7:Ask questions only to ensure understanding.

At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to Vermont and all the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this chronicle, she mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump in with, "Oh, I haven't heard from Alice in ages. How is she?" and, just like that, discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which leads to a comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone and Vermont is a distant memory.

This particular conversational affront happens all the time. Our questions lead people in directions that have nothing to do with wheretheythought they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don't.

When you notice that your question has led the speaker astray, take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying something like, "It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your adventure in Vermont."

Step 8:Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.

If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears—and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and words—then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening.

To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person's place and allow yourself to feel what it is like tobe herat that moment. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does.

Step 9:Give the speaker regular feedback.

Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker's feelings. "You must be thrilled!" "What a terrible ordeal for you." "I can see that you are confused." If the speaker's feelings are hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and an occasional well-timed "hmmm" or "uh huh."

The idea is to give the speaker some proof that you are listening, and that you are following her train of thought—not off indulging in your own fantasies while she talks to the ether.

In task situations, regardless of whether at work or home, always restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.

Step 10:Pay attention to whatisn'tsaid—to nonverbal cues.

If you exclude email, the majority of direct communication is probably nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she says. When I talk to my best friend, it doesn't matter what we chat about, if I hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she's doing well.

Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.

Listening Skills Exercise: Summarize, Summarize, Summarize!

For at least one week, at the end of every conversation in which information is exchanged, conclude with a summary statement. In conversations that result in agreements about future obligations or activities, summarizing will not only ensure accurate follow-through, it will feel perfectly natural. In conversations that do not include agreements, if summarizing feels awkward just explain that you are doing it as an exercise.

Dianne Schillingis a writer, editor, graphic artist and instructional designer who specializes in the development of educational materials and customized training programs for business and industry. She holds a masters degree in counseling and is a founding partner of WomensMedia.

You might also enjoy this article:9 Small Steps That Will Make You Happier, Starting Now.

Follow me onLinkedIn.Check outmywebsite.

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Ten Principles of Effective Listening

There are ten principles behind really good listening.

1. Stop Talking

Don't talk, listen.

If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.

Mark Twain

When somebody else is talking, it is important to listen to what they are saying. Do not interrupt, talk over them or finish their sentences for them. Right now, the most important thing that you can do is simply listen to them. As the saying goes, there is a time and a place for everything—and that includes both listening and speaking.

…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…

The Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:7

Just listen: hear what they are saying, watch their body language, and think about their meaning.

When the other person has finished talking, you may need to ask them questions, or reflect back what you have heard, to clarify that you have received their message accurately.

There is more about these techniques in our pages on Clarification and Reflecting.

2. Prepare Yourself to Listen

Relax.

Focus on the speaker. Put other things out of your mind. The human mind is easily distracted by other thoughts, such as wondering what’s for lunch, or what time you need to leave to catch your train, or whether it is going to rain later.

When you are listening to someone, try to put other thoughts out of your mind and concentrate on the messages that are being communicated.

Our page on Mindful Listening explains that it is natural for your mind to wander. However, just as you would when meditating, the trick is to catch your mind as it starts to do so, and bring it back to the speaker.

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

Richard Moss

3. Put the Speaker at Ease

Help the speaker to feel free to speak.

It is not always easy for someone to talk freely, especially if they find the topic is difficult, or it causes an emotional reaction. However, as a listener, there are actions you can take to make the speaker feel more confident. For example:

• Nod and smile, or use other gestures or words to encourage them to continue;

• Maintain eye contact but don’t stare;

• Echo back their last few words, in a technique known as mirroring, which is part of reflecting; and

• Summarise or paraphrase what they have said, finishing with a question (or a questioning tone) to encourage them to continue.

These techniques are part of active listening, and will show the speaker that you are listening and understanding what is being said. This, in turn, will make them more comfortable about speaking freely.

4. Remove Distractions

Remove as many distractions as possible so you can focus on what is being said.

The human mind is prone to being distracted. It is therefore important to ensure that you don’t give your mind too much opportunity for escape.

When you are listening to someone, it is a good idea to remove possible distractions. Put down your phone, or turn away from your computer screen. It is also a good idea to avoid unnecessary interruptions. For example, at work, you might leave your desks and go to a meeting room, leaving your phones behind.

Avoid behaviours like doodling, shuffling papers, looking out of the window, picking your fingernails or similar.

These kind of behaviours are unhelpful for both you and the speaker. They are likely to distract you from the process of listening, and making your listening less effective. They will also suggest to the speaker that you are not interested, which makes it harder for them to speak.

5. Empathise

Try to understand the other person’s point of view.

When you are listening, it is important to see issues from the speaker’s perspective: to empathise with them. This helps you to understand their point of view, and to understand their concerns.

The best way to do this is to let go of preconceived ideas.

By opening your mind to new ideas and perspectives, you can more fully empathise with the speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with, then wait. Keep listening to their views and opinions without comment, until they have finished speaking.

After all, your first impression could be wrong. Their argument could be more nuanced when you listen carefully to it in full.

You should only start to construct an argument to counter what is said, if necessary, once they have finished, and you have fully assimilated their argument.

See our pages: Empathic Listening and What is Empathy? for more.

6. Be Patient

A pause, even a long pause, does not necessarily mean that the speaker has finished.

Sometimes it takes time to formulate what to say and how to say it. Be patient and let the speaker continue in their own time. Never be tempted to interrupt or finish a sentence for someone. This is particularly important if the speaker has a speech impediment such as a stammer.

Stammering

People with a stammer—a hesitation in their speech that means that they tend to repeat the initial sound of a word—may have a sound to which they default when stammering. They may also have developed tactics that enable them to overcome their stammer, such as changing the word they planned to use.

It is therefore important that you do not try to guess what word they want to use from the first letter, or fill in for them—because you are quite likely to be wrong.

Our page on Patience has more information about how to develop the skill to wait when necessary.

7. Avoid Personal Prejudice

Try to be impartial.

Our personal prejudices can lead us to pre-judge someone’s words and meaning based on their habits or mannerisms. This prevents effective listening, because you have effectively already decided whether their words have value.

Don’t become irritated and don't let someone’s habits or mannerisms distract you from what they are really saying.

Everybody has a different way of speaking. For example, some people are more nervous or shy than others, some have regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to pace whilst talking, and others like to sit still. These behaviours can be distracting for listeners.

However, try to focus on what is being said and ignore the style of delivery or the accompanying mannerisms.

Top Tip: Be Aware of Your Distractors

We all find some elements of delivery more distracting than others. For some, it may be a particular regional accent that is so fascinating in its tone that the words or meaning are lost in transmission. For others, arm waving may prove to be too interesting.

Be aware of the aspects of speech that you find particularly distracting.

When you are aware, you can take action to overcome your tendency to be distracted, and focus on the words and meaning again.

8. Listen to the Tone

Volume and tone both add to what someone is saying.

A good speaker will use both volume and tone to help them to keep an audience attentive. Equally, everybody will use pitch, tone and volume of voice in certain situations. Effective listening means using these non-verbal cues to help you to understand the emphasis and nuance of what is being said.

See our page on Effective Speaking for more about how you can interpret and use volume and tone when speaking.

9. Listen for Ideas – Not Just Words

You need to get the whole picture, not just isolated bits and pieces.

Words are the most basic elements of communication, but they do not occur in isolation. You may hear people say something like:

“Well, I understood all the words individually, but not really the overall sense.”

What they mean is that they were unable to grasp the idea behind the words.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of listening is the ability to link together pieces of information to reveal the ideas of others.

However, with proper concentration, letting go of distractions, and improving your focus this becomes easier. It is also helpful to use techniques like clarification and questioning to help you make more sense of ideas.

10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication

Gestures, facial expressions, and eye-movements can all be important in understanding someone’s full meaning.

We tend to think of listening as being something that happens with our ears—and hearing is of course important. However, active listening also involves our eyes.

Some experts suggest that up to 80% of communication is non-verbal. That includes hearing the volume and tone—but a substantial element of any communication is body language. This is why it is much harder to gauge meaning over the phone.

When listening, it is vital to watch and pick up the additional information being transmitted via non-verbal communication.

See our pages on Non-verbal Communication for more about this aspect of listening.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

Our Communication Skills eBooks

Learn more about the key communication skills you need to be a more effective communicator.

Our eBooks are ideal for anyone who wants to learn about or develop their interpersonal skills and are full of easy-to-follow, practical information.

In Conclusion

It takes more than hearing to listen effectively.

Following these ten principles should help you to develop better listening skills. This, in turn, will help to improve your interactions and relationships with others.

Types of Ineffective Listening

All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Just like happiness (or happy families), effective listening is fairly easy to describe. Our page on Effective Listening provides a model that is generally applicable to most situations. However, there are many, many different ways to listen ineffectively, and a huge number of barriers that may prevent or hinder listening.

However, we can also identify some particular categories of ineffective listening. John Stoker, an author and communications teachers, has identified seven different types. They are:

1. Evaluative listening

Evaluative listeners spend all their time evaluating what you are saying, and making judgements about it. You can spot an evaluative listener, because they will always respond with either agreement or disagreement (or possibly both, in the form of ‘yes, but…’).

The big problem with these listeners is that they are hearing everything from their own point of view. Everything is passed through a prism of their own experiences and opinions. This means that they often miss critical information simply because it does not fit with their view of the world.

The other problem is that speaker and listener can get into a negative spiral of argument and counter-argument. Instead of building on each other’s communication, they are engaged in knocking it down.

2. Assumptive listening

Assumptive listeners make assumptions about the speaker’s meaning or intention—and usually before the speaker has finished.

They may therefore finish other people’s sentences, or jump in with a response before the speaker has really finished. Engaging with an assumptive listener is hard work, because you constantly have to go back and explain your meaning again because they have interpreted it incorrectly.

3. Self-protective listening

Here, the listener is so wrapped up in their own situation and/or emotional response to it that they simply have no brain-space to hear or concentrate on anything else.

In other words, they are NOT really listening at all, and they are certainly not engaging with what anyone else says. It is a moot point whether this should actually be described as ‘listening’ at all—except that these listeners will often be nodding and smiling, and generally looking like they are engaging with what is being said. However, when they come to respond, it will be obvious that they have not really heard or taken on board anything that is said.

These listeners often simply repeat their negative stories over and over again—and with increasing levels of negative emotion. The only way out is to break the spiral (see box).

A way out

Self-protective listeners may need help to break out of their ‘vicious spiral’. Transactional analysis offers some clues about how to do this, suggesting that they may be in ‘Child’ mode. This makes them turn inward, and want to avoid anything that might be threatening, like other ideas.

To help them, you will have to ‘hook’ their Child with sympathy, then find a way to engage the Adult.

There is more about this in our page on Transactional Analysis.

4. Judgemental listening

Judgemental listeners will constantly criticise what speakers are saying. This type of listening is similar to evaluative listening, but usually with more negativity and less opportunity to respond. These listeners often have preconceived ideas about the speaker (for example, bias or prejudice based on how they look, or their background). This may prevent them from considering the speaker’s ideas with an open mind.

This type of listening tends to result in the speaker shutting down, and refusing to provide any more information. Being constantly criticised quickly becomes unpleasant.

5. Affirmative listening

Affirmative listening is more or less the polar opposite of judgemental listening. Affirmative listeners only ‘hear’ messages with which they agree. They therefore only listen for points that they can support, and not those that show different opinions.

Having an affirmative listener is at first quite pleasant. They tend to agree with you, which is nice. However, after a while, you realise that they only agree with some points—and possibly not very important ones—but refuse to engage with anything else.

The problem here is that these people only listen for themselves. They want their opinion to be validated—and have no real interest in anyone else. This quickly gets one-sided and tiresome, especially if you are genuinely interested in a debate that explores different perspectives.

6. Defensive listening

A defensive listener takes everything that is said as a personal attack.

These people therefore feel the need to defend themselves against everything, and to justify everything that they say. They often use the phrase ‘Yes, but…’, because they have no interest in building on any other communication—only to justify themselves. They also find it hard to explore other points of view, because anything different is a threat.

7. Authoritative listening

Authoritative listeners listen solely in order to advise. They always know best, and are always ready to tell you what to do.

You can often spot authoritative listeners by the use of the words ‘You should…’ or ‘You need…’ in their sentences.

A Common Thread?

You may have spotted that all these types of ineffective listening are related to the listener’s attitude. They may perceive a problem with the speaker, or simply have a ‘mental block’ about the subject.

Whatever the cause, their pattern of thinking is not conducive to genuine, effective listening.

It is affecting how they relate to other people, and the messages that they hear in other people’s communication. These attitudes may have many causes, such as

• Preconceived ideas or bias

  These mean that you are not open to other people’s ideas and opinions. Biases may be personal or cultural. For example, in some cultures, ideas are only considered acceptable from those in senior positions (and you may be interested in our page on Intercultural Awareness for more examples like this). You may not trust the speaker on a personal level, and therefore find it hard to be open to their ideas on an intellectual level.

• Previous experiences

  These may affect your expectations about people and/or topics or situations. We are all influenced by previous experiences in life. We respond to people based on personal appearance, how initial introductions or welcomes were received and/or previous interpersonal encounters. This may affect how you approach an individual. You may also find that someone says something that reminds you of a previous experience, and you start to think about that instead of listening. The key here is to consider whether your previous experience is going to be helpful—and if not, set it aside.

• Having a closed mind.

  We all have ideals and values that we believe to be correct. It can therefore be difficult to listen to contradictory views. However, the key to effective listening and interpersonal skills more generally is the ability to open your mind, and take time to understand why others think about things differently to you—and then use this information to gain a better understanding of the speaker.

Effective Listening Skills

Most of what we do in the Writing Center is listen, but there’s a difference between hearing and understanding the words someone is saying and listening to their message. Listening to your writers and your coworkers is vital to maintaining good conversation and avoiding misunderstandings that might lead to unnecessary conflict.