Early ______ communication patterns affect a persons listening skills and behaviors later in life.

Types of Ineffective Listening

All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Just like happiness (or happy families), effective listening is fairly easy to describe. Our page on Effective Listening provides a model that is generally applicable to most situations. However, there are many, many different ways to listen ineffectively, and a huge number of barriers that may prevent or hinder listening.

However, we can also identify some particular categories of ineffective listening. John Stoker, an author and communications teachers, has identified seven different types. They are:

1. Evaluative listening

Evaluative listeners spend all their time evaluating what you are saying, and making judgements about it. You can spot an evaluative listener, because they will always respond with either agreement or disagreement (or possibly both, in the form of ‘yes, but…’).

The big problem with these listeners is that they are hearing everything from their own point of view. Everything is passed through a prism of their own experiences and opinions. This means that they often miss critical information simply because it does not fit with their view of the world.

The other problem is that speaker and listener can get into a negative spiral of argument and counter-argument. Instead of building on each other’s communication, they are engaged in knocking it down.

2. Assumptive listening

Assumptive listeners make assumptions about the speaker’s meaning or intention—and usually before the speaker has finished.

They may therefore finish other people’s sentences, or jump in with a response before the speaker has really finished. Engaging with an assumptive listener is hard work, because you constantly have to go back and explain your meaning again because they have interpreted it incorrectly.

3. Self-protective listening

Here, the listener is so wrapped up in their own situation and/or emotional response to it that they simply have no brain-space to hear or concentrate on anything else.

In other words, they are NOT really listening at all, and they are certainly not engaging with what anyone else says. It is a moot point whether this should actually be described as ‘listening’ at all—except that these listeners will often be nodding and smiling, and generally looking like they are engaging with what is being said. However, when they come to respond, it will be obvious that they have not really heard or taken on board anything that is said.

These listeners often simply repeat their negative stories over and over again—and with increasing levels of negative emotion. The only way out is to break the spiral (see box).

A way out

Self-protective listeners may need help to break out of their ‘vicious spiral’. Transactional analysis offers some clues about how to do this, suggesting that they may be in ‘Child’ mode. This makes them turn inward, and want to avoid anything that might be threatening, like other ideas.

To help them, you will have to ‘hook’ their Child with sympathy, then find a way to engage the Adult.

There is more about this in our page on Transactional Analysis.

4. Judgemental listening

Judgemental listeners will constantly criticise what speakers are saying. This type of listening is similar to evaluative listening, but usually with more negativity and less opportunity to respond. These listeners often have preconceived ideas about the speaker (for example, bias or prejudice based on how they look, or their background). This may prevent them from considering the speaker’s ideas with an open mind.

This type of listening tends to result in the speaker shutting down, and refusing to provide any more information. Being constantly criticised quickly becomes unpleasant.

5. Affirmative listening

Affirmative listening is more or less the polar opposite of judgemental listening. Affirmative listeners only ‘hear’ messages with which they agree. They therefore only listen for points that they can support, and not those that show different opinions.

Having an affirmative listener is at first quite pleasant. They tend to agree with you, which is nice. However, after a while, you realise that they only agree with some points—and possibly not very important ones—but refuse to engage with anything else.

The problem here is that these people only listen for themselves. They want their opinion to be validated—and have no real interest in anyone else. This quickly gets one-sided and tiresome, especially if you are genuinely interested in a debate that explores different perspectives.

6. Defensive listening

A defensive listener takes everything that is said as a personal attack.

These people therefore feel the need to defend themselves against everything, and to justify everything that they say. They often use the phrase ‘Yes, but…’, because they have no interest in building on any other communication—only to justify themselves. They also find it hard to explore other points of view, because anything different is a threat.

7. Authoritative listening

Authoritative listeners listen solely in order to advise. They always know best, and are always ready to tell you what to do.

You can often spot authoritative listeners by the use of the words ‘You should…’ or ‘You need…’ in their sentences.

A Common Thread?

You may have spotted that all these types of ineffective listening are related to the listener’s attitude. They may perceive a problem with the speaker, or simply have a ‘mental block’ about the subject.

Whatever the cause, their pattern of thinking is not conducive to genuine, effective listening.

It is affecting how they relate to other people, and the messages that they hear in other people’s communication. These attitudes may have many causes, such as

• Preconceived ideas or bias

  These mean that you are not open to other people’s ideas and opinions. Biases may be personal or cultural. For example, in some cultures, ideas are only considered acceptable from those in senior positions (and you may be interested in our page on Intercultural Awareness for more examples like this). You may not trust the speaker on a personal level, and therefore find it hard to be open to their ideas on an intellectual level.

• Previous experiences

  These may affect your expectations about people and/or topics or situations. We are all influenced by previous experiences in life. We respond to people based on personal appearance, how initial introductions or welcomes were received and/or previous interpersonal encounters. This may affect how you approach an individual. You may also find that someone says something that reminds you of a previous experience, and you start to think about that instead of listening. The key here is to consider whether your previous experience is going to be helpful—and if not, set it aside.

• Having a closed mind.

  We all have ideals and values that we believe to be correct. It can therefore be difficult to listen to contradictory views. However, the key to effective listening and interpersonal skills more generally is the ability to open your mind, and take time to understand why others think about things differently to you—and then use this information to gain a better understanding of the speaker.

Ten Principles of Effective Listening

There are ten principles behind really good listening.

1. Stop Talking

Don't talk, listen.

If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.

Mark Twain

When somebody else is talking, it is important to listen to what they are saying. Do not interrupt, talk over them or finish their sentences for them. Right now, the most important thing that you can do is simply listen to them. As the saying goes, there is a time and a place for everything—and that includes both listening and speaking.

…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…

The Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:7

Just listen: hear what they are saying, watch their body language, and think about their meaning.

When the other person has finished talking, you may need to ask them questions, or reflect back what you have heard, to clarify that you have received their message accurately.

There is more about these techniques in our pages on Clarification and Reflecting.

2. Prepare Yourself to Listen

Relax.

Focus on the speaker. Put other things out of your mind. The human mind is easily distracted by other thoughts, such as wondering what’s for lunch, or what time you need to leave to catch your train, or whether it is going to rain later.

When you are listening to someone, try to put other thoughts out of your mind and concentrate on the messages that are being communicated.

Our page on Mindful Listening explains that it is natural for your mind to wander. However, just as you would when meditating, the trick is to catch your mind as it starts to do so, and bring it back to the speaker.

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

Richard Moss

3. Put the Speaker at Ease

Help the speaker to feel free to speak.

It is not always easy for someone to talk freely, especially if they find the topic is difficult, or it causes an emotional reaction. However, as a listener, there are actions you can take to make the speaker feel more confident. For example:

• Nod and smile, or use other gestures or words to encourage them to continue;

• Maintain eye contact but don’t stare;

• Echo back their last few words, in a technique known as mirroring, which is part of reflecting; and

• Summarise or paraphrase what they have said, finishing with a question (or a questioning tone) to encourage them to continue.

These techniques are part of active listening, and will show the speaker that you are listening and understanding what is being said. This, in turn, will make them more comfortable about speaking freely.

4. Remove Distractions

Remove as many distractions as possible so you can focus on what is being said.

The human mind is prone to being distracted. It is therefore important to ensure that you don’t give your mind too much opportunity for escape.

When you are listening to someone, it is a good idea to remove possible distractions. Put down your phone, or turn away from your computer screen. It is also a good idea to avoid unnecessary interruptions. For example, at work, you might leave your desks and go to a meeting room, leaving your phones behind.

Avoid behaviours like doodling, shuffling papers, looking out of the window, picking your fingernails or similar.

These kind of behaviours are unhelpful for both you and the speaker. They are likely to distract you from the process of listening, and making your listening less effective. They will also suggest to the speaker that you are not interested, which makes it harder for them to speak.

5. Empathise

Try to understand the other person’s point of view.

When you are listening, it is important to see issues from the speaker’s perspective: to empathise with them. This helps you to understand their point of view, and to understand their concerns.

The best way to do this is to let go of preconceived ideas.

By opening your mind to new ideas and perspectives, you can more fully empathise with the speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with, then wait. Keep listening to their views and opinions without comment, until they have finished speaking.

After all, your first impression could be wrong. Their argument could be more nuanced when you listen carefully to it in full.

You should only start to construct an argument to counter what is said, if necessary, once they have finished, and you have fully assimilated their argument.

See our pages: Empathic Listening and What is Empathy? for more.

6. Be Patient

A pause, even a long pause, does not necessarily mean that the speaker has finished.

Sometimes it takes time to formulate what to say and how to say it. Be patient and let the speaker continue in their own time. Never be tempted to interrupt or finish a sentence for someone. This is particularly important if the speaker has a speech impediment such as a stammer.

Stammering

People with a stammer—a hesitation in their speech that means that they tend to repeat the initial sound of a word—may have a sound to which they default when stammering. They may also have developed tactics that enable them to overcome their stammer, such as changing the word they planned to use.

It is therefore important that you do not try to guess what word they want to use from the first letter, or fill in for them—because you are quite likely to be wrong.

Our page on Patience has more information about how to develop the skill to wait when necessary.

7. Avoid Personal Prejudice

Try to be impartial.

Our personal prejudices can lead us to pre-judge someone’s words and meaning based on their habits or mannerisms. This prevents effective listening, because you have effectively already decided whether their words have value.

Don’t become irritated and don't let someone’s habits or mannerisms distract you from what they are really saying.

Everybody has a different way of speaking. For example, some people are more nervous or shy than others, some have regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to pace whilst talking, and others like to sit still. These behaviours can be distracting for listeners.

However, try to focus on what is being said and ignore the style of delivery or the accompanying mannerisms.

Top Tip: Be Aware of Your Distractors

We all find some elements of delivery more distracting than others. For some, it may be a particular regional accent that is so fascinating in its tone that the words or meaning are lost in transmission. For others, arm waving may prove to be too interesting.

Be aware of the aspects of speech that you find particularly distracting.

When you are aware, you can take action to overcome your tendency to be distracted, and focus on the words and meaning again.

8. Listen to the Tone

Volume and tone both add to what someone is saying.

A good speaker will use both volume and tone to help them to keep an audience attentive. Equally, everybody will use pitch, tone and volume of voice in certain situations. Effective listening means using these non-verbal cues to help you to understand the emphasis and nuance of what is being said.

See our page on Effective Speaking for more about how you can interpret and use volume and tone when speaking.

9. Listen for Ideas – Not Just Words

You need to get the whole picture, not just isolated bits and pieces.

Words are the most basic elements of communication, but they do not occur in isolation. You may hear people say something like:

“Well, I understood all the words individually, but not really the overall sense.”

What they mean is that they were unable to grasp the idea behind the words.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of listening is the ability to link together pieces of information to reveal the ideas of others.

However, with proper concentration, letting go of distractions, and improving your focus this becomes easier. It is also helpful to use techniques like clarification and questioning to help you make more sense of ideas.

10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication

Gestures, facial expressions, and eye-movements can all be important in understanding someone’s full meaning.

We tend to think of listening as being something that happens with our ears—and hearing is of course important. However, active listening also involves our eyes.

Some experts suggest that up to 80% of communication is non-verbal. That includes hearing the volume and tone—but a substantial element of any communication is body language. This is why it is much harder to gauge meaning over the phone.

When listening, it is vital to watch and pick up the additional information being transmitted via non-verbal communication.

See our pages on Non-verbal Communication for more about this aspect of listening.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

Our Communication Skills eBooks

Learn more about the key communication skills you need to be a more effective communicator.

Our eBooks are ideal for anyone who wants to learn about or develop their interpersonal skills and are full of easy-to-follow, practical information.

In Conclusion

It takes more than hearing to listen effectively.

Following these ten principles should help you to develop better listening skills. This, in turn, will help to improve your interactions and relationships with others.

Active Listening Skills, Examples and Exercises

In today's world of high tech and high stress, communication is more important than ever, however we spend less and less time really listening to each other. Genuine, attentive listening has become rare.

Active listening skills can help build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding and avoid conflict. By becoming a better listener, you’ll improve your workplace productivity, as well as your ability to lead a team, persuade and negotiate.

Active listening definition

Active listening requires the listener to fully concentrate, understand, respond and then remember what is being said. You make a conscious effort to hear and understand the complete message being spoken, rather than just passively hearing the message of the speaker.

In this article, we'll cover the following:

1. Why is listening important?
2. Benefits of active listening
3. What makes a good listener?
4. Verbal and non-verbal signs of active listening
5. Four different listening styles
6. Examples of active listening
7. Barriers to effective listening
8. Tips to becoming an effective listener
9. Listening exercises

Why is listening important?

Listening is the most fundamental component of communication skills. Listening is not something that just happens, listening is an active process in which a conscious decision is made to listen to and understand the messages of the speaker.

Active listening is also about patience, listeners should not interrupt with questions or comments. Active listening involves giving the other person time to explore their thoughts and feelings, they should be given adequate time for that.

We spend a lot of time listening

Various studies stress the importance of listening as a communication skill. The studies on average say we spend 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication. Of that time, we spend about 9 percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent speaking, and 45 percent listening.

Studies also confirm that most of us are poor and inefficient listeners. Most of us are not very good at listening, research suggests that we remember less than 50% of what we hear in a conversation.

Benefits of active listening

There are many important benefits of active listening, these include:

• Builds deep trust - As you cultivate the habit of listening sincerely, you invite people to open up. They can sense that you will not be jumping to conclusions based on superficial details. They also realise that you care enough about them to listen attentively. While building trust takes time, it leads to great benefits such as lifelong friendships and a promise of help in difficult times.
• Broadens your perspective - Your own perspective in life is not the complete truth or how everyone else sees it. The way you understand life from your beliefs and thinking is only one way to look at it – listening to other people’s perspectives allows you to look at life from different perspectives, some of which you may not have thought of before.
• Strengthens your patience - The ability to be a good listener takes time and you need to develop it with regular efforts over time. But as you gradually get better and better at listening, an automatic benefit is that you develop patience. Patience to let the other person express his or her feelings and thoughts honestly while you don’t judge.
• Makes you approachable - As you present yourself as a patient listener, people feel more naturally inclined to communicate with you. By being there for them, you give them the freedom to express their feelings.
• Increases competence and knowledge - Great listening skills make an employee more competent and capable, regardless of their position. The more an individual can get information out of the meetings, the instructions, and reports provided to him, the more efficient and successful they will be at completing the task. Listening also builds knowledge and helps fulfil work requirements through progressive learning.
• Saves time and money - Effective listening not only reduces risks of misunderstanding and mistakes that could be very damaging to the business, but it also saves time and money by avoiding starting a task or a project over again, just because the directives given were misunderstood. Employees do not waste precious time and a specific budget allocated to a project.
• Helps detect and solve problems - As a leader, they should always be attentive to what employees have to say. In the workplace, they are the first ones to spot flaws and come up with suggestions for improvements. Listening to colleagues will help you understand what needs to be changed and worked on to retain talent and make improvements.

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What makes a good listener?

Good listeners actively endeavour to understand what others are really trying to say, regardless of how unclear the messages might be. Listening involves not only the effort to decode verbal messages, but also to interpret non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and physical posture.

Effective listeners make sure to let others know that they have been heard, and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings fully.

You also need to show to the person speaking that you’re listening through non-verbal cues, such as maintaining eye contact, nodding your head and smiling, agreeing by saying ‘Yes’. By providing this feedback the person speaking will usually feel more at ease and communicates more easily, openly and honestly.

Listening vs. hearing

Hearing is an accidental and automatic brain response to sound that requires no effort. We are surrounded by sounds most of the time. For example, we are accustomed to the sounds of cars, construction workers and so on. We hear those sounds and, unless we have a reason to do otherwise, we learn to ignore them.

Hearing is:

• Accidental
• Involuntary
• Effortless

Listening, on the other hand, is purposeful and focused rather than accidental. As a result, it requires motivation and effort. Listening, at its best, is active, focused, concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meanings expressed by a speaker.

Listening means paying attention not only to the story, but how it is told, the use of language and voice, and how the other person uses his or her body. In other words, it means being aware of both verbal and non-verbal messages. Your ability to listen effectively depends on the degree to which you perceive and understand these messages.

Listening is:

• Focused
• Voluntary
• Intentional

Verbal and non-verbal signs of active listening skills

It’s a horrible feeling talking to someone and realising that they are not really listening. There are some simple steps you can take to let the speaker know you are actively listening, such as asking relevant questions, positive body language, nodding and maintaining eye contact.

Non-verbal signs of active listening

The people are listening are likely to display at least some of these signs. However, these signs may not be appropriate in all situations and across all cultures.

• Smile - small smiles can be used to show that the listener is paying attention to what is being said or as a way of agreeing or being happy about the messages being received. Combined with nods of the head, smiles can be powerful in affirming that messages are being listened to and understood.
• Eye Contact - it is normal and usually encouraging for the listener to look at the speaker. Eye contact can however be intimidating, especially for more shy speakers – gauge how much eye contact is appropriate for any given situation. Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.
• Posture - can tell a lot about the sender and receiver in interpersonal interactions. The attentive listener tends to lean slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting. Other signs of active listening may include a slight slant of the head or resting the head on one hand.
• Distraction - the active listener will not be distracted and therefore will refrain from fidgeting, looking at a clock or watch, doodling, playing with their hair or picking their fingernails.

Verbal Signs of active listening

• Positive Reinforcement - this can be a strong signal of attentiveness, however too much use can be annoying for the speaker. Occasional words and phrases, such as: ‘very good’, ‘yes’ or ‘indeed’ will indicate that you are paying attention.
• Remembering - try to remember a few key points, such as the name of the speaker. It can help to reinforce that what is being said has been understood. Remembering details, ideas and concepts from previous conversations proves that attention was kept and is likely to encourage the speaker to continue.
• Questioning - the listener can demonstrate that they have been paying attention by asking relevant questions and/or making statements that build or help to clarify what the speaker has said. By asking relevant questions the listener also helps to reinforce that they have an interest in what the speaker has been saying.
• Clarification - this involves asking questions of the speaker to ensure that the correct message has been received. Clarification usually involves the use of open questions which enables the speaker to expand on certain points as necessary.

Four different listening styles

If listening were easy, and if all people went about it in the same way, the task for a public speaker would be much easier.

1. People oriented

The people-oriented listener is interested in the speaker. They listen to the message in order to learn how the speaker thinks and how they feel about their message. For instance, when people-oriented listeners listen to an interview with a famous musician, they are likely to be more curious about the musician as an individual than about music.

2. Action or task oriented

Action-oriented listeners are primarily interested in finding out what the speaker wants. Does the speaker want votes, donations, volunteers, or something else? It’s sometimes difficult for an action-oriented speaker to listen through the descriptions, evidence, and explanations with which a speaker builds his or her case.

For example, when you’re a passenger on an airplane, a flight attendant delivers a brief safety briefing. The flight attendant says only to buckle up so we can leave. An action-oriented listener finds buckling up a more compelling message than a message about the underlying reasons.

3. Content

Content-oriented listeners are interested in the message itself, whether it makes sense, what it means, and whether it’s accurate. Content-oriented listeners want to listen to well-developed information with solid explanations.

4. Time

People using a time-oriented listening style prefer a message that gets to the point quickly. Time-oriented listeners can become impatient with slow delivery or lengthy explanations. This kind of listener may be receptive for only a brief amount of time and may become rude or even hostile if the speaker expects a longer focus of attention.

To learn more about listening styles, read The Importance of Listening - Listening Styles

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Examples of active listening

Here are some examples of statements and questions used with active listening:

• Paraphrasing - "So, you want us to build the new school in the style of the old one?"
• Brief verbal affirmation - "I appreciate the time you’ve taken to speak to me"
• Asking open-ended questions - "I understand you aren’t happy with your new car. What changes can we make to it?"
• Asking specific questions - "How many employees did you take on last year?"
• Mentioning similar situations - "I was in a similar situation after my previous company made me redundant."
• Summarise questions - A job candidate who summarises their understanding of an unclear question during an interview.
• Notice people speaking - A meeting facilitator encouraging a quiet team member to share their views about a project.
• Summarise group conversations - A manager summarizing what has been said at a meeting and checking with the others that it is correct.

Barriers to effective listening

Everyone has difficulty staying completely focused during a lengthy presentation or conversation, or even relatively brief messages. Some of the factors that interfere with good listening might exist beyond our control, but others are manageable. It’s helpful to be aware of these factors so that they interfere as little as possible with understanding the message. Here are some key barriers:

1. Noise

Noise is one of the biggest factors to interfere with listening; it can be defined as anything that interferes with your ability to attend to and understand a message. There are many kinds of noise, the four you are most likely to encounter in public speaking situations are: physical noise, psychological noise, physiological noise, and semantic noise.

2. Attention Span

A person can only maintain focused attention for a finite length of time. Many people argued that modern audiences have lost the ability to sustain attention to a message. Whether or not these concerns are well founded, you have probably noticed that even when your attention is glued to something in which you are deeply interested, every now and then you pause to do something else, such as getting a drink.

3. Receiver Biases

Good listening involves keeping an open mind and withholding judgment until the speaker has completed the message. Conversely, biased listening is characterized by jumping to conclusions; the biased listener believes, "I don’t need to listen because I already know this." Receiver biases can refer to two things: biases with reference to the speaker and preconceived ideas and opinions about the topic or message. Everyone has biases but good listeners hold them in check while listening.

4. Listening Apprehension

This is the fear that you might be unable to understand the message or process the information correctly or be able to adapt your thinking to include the new information coherently. In some situations, you might worry that the information presented will be too complex for you to understand fully.

Tips to become an effective listener and improve active listening skills

Tips to help you develop effective listening skills.

Face the speaker and maintain eye contact

Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person's divided attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent?

In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don't look at you. Shyness, uncertainty or other emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some circumstances.

Be attentive and relaxed

Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognise that non-verbal communication is very powerful. In order to be attentive, you'll:

• Maintain eye-contact with the speaker
• Direct yourself towards the speaker
• Pay attention to what's being said
• Put aside distracting thoughts

Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker's accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don't be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.

Keep an open mind

Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don't say to yourself, "Well, that was a stupid move." As soon as you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you've compromised your effectiveness as a listener.

Listen without jumping to conclusions and don’t interrupt to finish their sentences. Remember that the speaker is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don't know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you'll find out is by listening.

Don't interrupt or cut them off

Children used to be taught that it's rude to interrupt. I'm not sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modelled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behaviour is condoned, if not encouraged.

Interrupting sends a variety of messages:

• I'm more important than you are
• What I have to say is more interesting
• I don't care what you think
• I don't have time for your opinion

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is on you to relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.

Ask questions to clarify what they are saying

When you don't understand something, of course you should ask the speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, "Back up a second. I didn't understand what you just said about…"

Ask questions and summarise to ensure understanding

When the person speaking has finished talking, ask questions relevant to what they are saying – try not to lead people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don't.

You can also summarise the conversation to make sure you understand all the person is trying to say – this works well at networking events at the end of conversations, it also gives you an excuse to move onto another conversation.

Try to feel what the speaker is feeling

Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening. To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person's place and allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her at that moment. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does.

Give the speaker regular feedback

Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker's feelings. If the speaker's feelings are hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and an occasional well-timed "uh huh."

Pay attention to non-verbal cues

The majority of face-to-face communication is non-verbal. We get a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. When face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.

To read these listening tips in more detail, visit 10 Steps To Effective Listening

Listening skills exercises

Online simulation exercises

Practice your listening skills in realistic online simulations.

• Active listening course with online practice

Summarise the conversation exercise

For a week, try concluding every conversation in which information is exchanged with a summary. In conversations that result in agreements about future activities, summarising will ensure accurate follow-through.