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You should listen with your body, not just your ears.

Listen With More Than Your Ears

To really hear and comprehend goes beyond just listening. This is a matter of mindfulness, too.

Photo by Joshua Rodriguez on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed how seldom people are direct?

This is something I’ve observed on every single level of human interaction. People will beat around the bush, obfuscate, be obtuse, use innuendo or drop hints, but seldom speak plainly and directly.

Ten Principles of Effective Listening

There are ten principles behind really good listening.

1. Stop Talking

Don't talk, listen.

If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.

Mark Twain

When somebody else is talking, it is important to listen to what they are saying. Do not interrupt, talk over them or finish their sentences for them. Right now, the most important thing that you can do is simply listen to them. As the saying goes, there is a time and a place for everything—and that includes both listening and speaking.

…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…

The Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:7

Just listen: hear what they are saying, watch their body language, and think about their meaning.

When the other person has finished talking, you may need to ask them questions, or reflect back what you have heard, to clarify that you have received their message accurately.

There is more about these techniques in our pages on Clarification and Reflecting.

2. Prepare Yourself to Listen

Relax.

Focus on the speaker. Put other things out of your mind. The human mind is easily distracted by other thoughts, such as wondering what’s for lunch, or what time you need to leave to catch your train, or whether it is going to rain later.

When you are listening to someone, try to put other thoughts out of your mind and concentrate on the messages that are being communicated.

Our page on Mindful Listening explains that it is natural for your mind to wander. However, just as you would when meditating, the trick is to catch your mind as it starts to do so, and bring it back to the speaker.

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

Richard Moss

3. Put the Speaker at Ease

Help the speaker to feel free to speak.

It is not always easy for someone to talk freely, especially if they find the topic is difficult, or it causes an emotional reaction. However, as a listener, there are actions you can take to make the speaker feel more confident. For example:

Nod and smile, or use other gestures or words to encourage them to continue;
Maintain eye contact but don’t stare;
Echo back their last few words, in a technique known as mirroring, which is part of reflecting; and
Summarise or paraphrase what they have said, finishing with a question (or a questioning tone) to encourage them to continue.

These techniques are part of active listening, and will show the speaker that you are listening and understanding what is being said. This, in turn, will make them more comfortable about speaking freely.

4. Remove Distractions

Remove as many distractions as possible so you can focus on what is being said.

The human mind is prone to being distracted. It is therefore important to ensure that you don’t give your mind too much opportunity for escape.

When you are listening to someone, it is a good idea to remove possible distractions. Put down your phone, or turn away from your computer screen. It is also a good idea to avoid unnecessary interruptions. For example, at work, you might leave your desks and go to a meeting room, leaving your phones behind.

Avoid behaviours like doodling, shuffling papers, looking out of the window, picking your fingernails or similar.

These kind of behaviours are unhelpful for both you and the speaker. They are likely to distract you from the process of listening, and making your listening less effective. They will also suggest to the speaker that you are not interested, which makes it harder for them to speak.

5. Empathise

Try to understand the other person’s point of view.

When you are listening, it is important to see issues from the speaker’s perspective: to empathise with them. This helps you to understand their point of view, and to understand their concerns.

The best way to do this is to let go of preconceived ideas.

By opening your mind to new ideas and perspectives, you can more fully empathise with the speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with, then wait. Keep listening to their views and opinions without comment, until they have finished speaking.

After all, your first impression could be wrong. Their argument could be more nuanced when you listen carefully to it in full.

You should only start to construct an argument to counter what is said, if necessary, once they have finished, and you have fully assimilated their argument.

See our pages: Empathic Listening and What is Empathy? for more.

6. Be Patient

A pause, even a long pause, does not necessarily mean that the speaker has finished.

Sometimes it takes time to formulate what to say and how to say it. Be patient and let the speaker continue in their own time. Never be tempted to interrupt or finish a sentence for someone. This is particularly important if the speaker has a speech impediment such as a stammer.

Stammering

People with a stammer—a hesitation in their speech that means that they tend to repeat the initial sound of a word—may have a sound to which they default when stammering. They may also have developed tactics that enable them to overcome their stammer, such as changing the word they planned to use.

It is therefore important that you do not try to guess what word they want to use from the first letter, or fill in for them—because you are quite likely to be wrong.

Our page on Patience has more information about how to develop the skill to wait when necessary.

7. Avoid Personal Prejudice

Try to be impartial.

Our personal prejudices can lead us to pre-judge someone’s words and meaning based on their habits or mannerisms. This prevents effective listening, because you have effectively already decided whether their words have value.

Don’t become irritated and don't let someone’s habits or mannerisms distract you from what they are really saying.

Everybody has a different way of speaking. For example, some people are more nervous or shy than others, some have regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to pace whilst talking, and others like to sit still. These behaviours can be distracting for listeners.

However, try to focus on what is being said and ignore the style of delivery or the accompanying mannerisms.

Top Tip: Be Aware of Your Distractors

We all find some elements of delivery more distracting than others. For some, it may be a particular regional accent that is so fascinating in its tone that the words or meaning are lost in transmission. For others, arm waving may prove to be too interesting.

Be aware of the aspects of speech that you find particularly distracting.

When you are aware, you can take action to overcome your tendency to be distracted, and focus on the words and meaning again.

8. Listen to the Tone

Volume and tone both add to what someone is saying.

A good speaker will use both volume and tone to help them to keep an audience attentive. Equally, everybody will use pitch, tone and volume of voice in certain situations. Effective listening means using these non-verbal cues to help you to understand the emphasis and nuance of what is being said.

See our page on Effective Speaking for more about how you can interpret and use volume and tone when speaking.

9. Listen for Ideas – Not Just Words

You need to get the whole picture, not just isolated bits and pieces.

Words are the most basic elements of communication, but they do not occur in isolation. You may hear people say something like:

“Well, I understood all the words individually, but not really the overall sense.”

What they mean is that they were unable to grasp the idea behind the words.

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of listening is the ability to link together pieces of information to reveal the ideas of others.

However, with proper concentration, letting go of distractions, and improving your focus this becomes easier. It is also helpful to use techniques like clarification and questioning to help you make more sense of ideas.

10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication

Gestures, facial expressions, and eye-movements can all be important in understanding someone’s full meaning.

We tend to think of listening as being something that happens with our ears—and hearing is of course important. However, active listening also involves our eyes.

Some experts suggest that up to 80% of communication is non-verbal. That includes hearing the volume and tone—but a substantial element of any communication is body language. This is why it is much harder to gauge meaning over the phone.

When listening, it is vital to watch and pick up the additional information being transmitted via non-verbal communication.

See our pages on Non-verbal Communication for more about this aspect of listening.

In Conclusion

It takes more than hearing to listen effectively.

Following these ten principles should help you to develop better listening skills. This, in turn, will help to improve your interactions and relationships with others.

We Spend a lot of Time Listening

Adults spend an average of 70% of their time engaged in some sort of communication.

Of this, research shows that an average of 45% is spent listening compared to 30% speaking, 16% reading and 9% writing. (Adler, R. et al. 2001). That is, by any standards, a lot of time listening. It is worthwhile, therefore, taking a bit of extra time to ensure that you listen effectively.

Based on the research of: Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L. and Proctor, R. (2001)
Interplay: the process of interpersonal communicating (8th edn), Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt.

The Purpose of Listening

There is no doubt that effective listening is an extremely important life skill. Why is listening so important?

Listening serves a number of possible purposes, and the purpose of listening will depend on the situation and the nature of the communication.

To specifically focus on the messages being communicated, avoiding distractions and preconceptions.
To gain a full and accurate understanding into the speakers point of view and ideas.
To critically assess what is being said. (See our page on Critical Thinking for more).
To observe the non-verbal signals accompanying what is being said to enhance understanding.
To show interest, concern and concentration.
To encourage the speaker to communicate fully, openly and honestly.
To develop an selflessness approach, putting the speaker first.
To arrive at a shared and agreed understanding and acceptance of both sides views.

Often our main concern while listening is to formulate ways to respond. This is not a function of listening. We should try to focus fully on what is being said and how it's being said in order to more fully understand the speaker.

Effective listening requires concentration and the use of your other senses - not just hearing the words spoken.

Listening is not the same as hearing and in order to listen effectively you need to use more than just your ears.

See our page: The Ten Principles of Listening.

Barriers to Effective Listening

To improve the process of effective listening, it can be helpful to turn the problem on its head and look at barriers to effective listening, or ineffective listening.

For example, one common problem is that instead of listening closely to what someone is saying, we often get distracted after a sentence or two and instead start to think about what we are going to say in reply or think about unrelated things. This means that we do not fully listen to the rest of the speaker’s message.

This problem is attributed, in part, to the difference between average speech rate and average processing rate. Average speech rates are between 125 and 175 words a minute whereas we can process on average between 400 and 800 words a minute. It is a common habit for the listener to use the spare time while listening to daydream or think about other things, rather than focusing on what the speaker is saying.

Of course the clarity of what the speaker is saying can also affect how well we listen. Generally we find it easier to focus if the speaker is fluent in their speech, has a familiar accent, and speaks at an appropriate loudness for the situation. It is more difficult, for example, to focus on somebody who is speaking very fast and very quietly, especially if they are conveying complex information.

We may also get distracted by the speaker’s personal appearance or by what someone else is saying, which sounds more interesting.

These issues not only affect you, but you are likely to show your lack of attention in your body language.

Generally, we find it much harder to control our body language, and you are likely to show your distraction and/or lack of interest by lack of eye contact, or posture. The speaker will detect the problem, and probably stop talking at best. At worse, they may be very offended or upset.

Our page on Barriers to Effective Listening explains more about common listening problems, and our page Listening Misconceptions details some of the common myths and misconceptions about listening.

Finally, it is important not to jump to conclusions about what you see and hear. You should always seek clarification to ensure that your understanding is correct.

See our pages: Clarification and Reflection for more information.