What is crush on a person?

You can get crushed (which is bad), you can be crushed (also bad), or you can have a crush (which is...not always good).

There are many factors that will determine whether or not your crush will crush you or whether your crush will also crush on you. The Hook Up enlisted the help of clinical psychologist Crysta Derham to crush through the basics and answer some listener questions.

First up, what is a crush?

A crush is a really intense infatuation with somebody, says Crysta. Its a very sudden onset of feelings about someone and it's normally almost 'loving' someone from afar. Usually its someone that we dont know that much about, outside of maybe what they look like or a couple of basic facts. But still, you can become preoccupied, fantasising about all of the incredible qualities you imagine them to have.

You project all of these amazing ideals, your hopes and dreams for a perfect partner, onto this person that you actually dont know a lot about.

As for the feeling itself, that giddy, so-obsessed-I-cant-stop-thinking-about-you feeling, Crysta says we actually have certain hormones that are released when were secretly lusting. We know that we get a big hit of dopamine (our pleasure and reward hormone) and also a big hit cortisol (our stress hormone), she explains. So were kind of wired to act on our attractions. We want to engage with this person, whether thats to reproduce or find a mate or just be connected... There is a very real biological need thats being met by crushing on and being attracted to people.

Its really hard to just sit with all those feelings when youre being driven to approach this person. Everything in your body is being like, youHAVEtogettoknowthem.

How is it different to falling in love?

According to Crysta, the difference lies in how deep the relationship goes. Love is based in commitment and real understanding, knowledge and intimacy of a person, she says. Its based on having lots of experiences with that person, which is how you know them. You know all of their flaws and you still love them. As opposed to a crush where its this idealised, on a pedestal version of what that person could be or what you might like them to be.

If in doubt:

link

via tumblr

Share

• Facebook
• Twitter
• Mail
• Whatsapp

via motherearthsign tumblr

Image:

Close

As we get older, says Crysta, were more likely to have had more experience with intimate relationships. Or, at the very least, have more of an understanding that all humans are flawed and being with other humans takes hard work. We can be more honest with ourselves about what we want in a partner and the things that are really important, then its kind of easy to see whether those things are there or not The idea of a crush and that fantasy becomes a bit harder to sustain.

Can you control the crush?

When crush comes to shove, how much choice do we actually have? I dont think we can always control who were attracted to and a crush is attraction, says Crysta. Whether thats about sexuality or them having an amazing skill or an ability you admire you know, people will talk about having crushes on teachers or lecturers or bosses it might be different parts of that person that youre attracted to. But we cant always control that, we just get better at recognising it and managing it.

As for getting rid of the feelings that youve caught, when all you want to do is scroll on through their profile yet again...

Crysta says getting crushes is very normal, everybody has them, and theres no telling how long theyll last. I think it probably depends how much you engage with the crush. Because it is so enjoyable and so exciting, you can almost keep it burning longer by choosing to re-engage all the time. Otherwise you can decide that you dont want to act on the crush, for whatever reason, you can distance yourself and are more likely to move on quicker.

If you're finding it hard to move on, listen to Crysta answer your crush-related questions on the podcasthereor go to your friendly local podcasting app tosubscribe.