How to love again after being hurt

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~Rumi

When I met my first love, my dull black and white life became as bright as a double rainbow. The intense hues of love flooded over me with extreme joy and happiness.

Soon after meeting, we married and lived together for ten years. Yet, like rainbows and raindrops, our love evaporated and I took our divorce especially hard, soaking in self-pity and sadness while grieving for the past several years.

After experiencing a painful breakup, you never, ever want to be in a relationship again. A broken heart and pained soul wants to give up on love altogether.

Why put yourself through so much pain and suffering for a love that hurts and could end?

The reason to give love another shot, I’ve learned, is that by loving better and deeper, we become even more whole. Our hurt and tears clear the fog around our heart and illuminate the soul.

The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.

There are plenty of obstacles keeping us from loving again. Sad to say, I’ve experienced them all.

Here are ten way to let go of the obstacles preventing you from having love in your life.

1. Let go of pain.

You can’t let go of pain by resisting it. You could avoid the pain for some time, but in order to move on you must fully embrace the pain.

Embracing the pain means experiencing loss, sadness, and grief. As difficult as it might be, allow the tears to flow and share your experience with your friends and family.

Write down your feelings and come to terms with the emotions you’re going through.

Instead of judging yourself harshly for your feelings, wash yourself in compassion for finding the strength to move through your pain.

2. Let go of trespasses.

When you break up, you feel like you want to blame everyone for causing your heartache. This includes not just your ex, but also their parents, your parents, their friends, your friends, and everyone in between.

The only way to stop blaming others is to forgive them. No matter how grave the offense or how unacceptable their behavior, your healing starts when you let go of the gripe. Yes, it was unfair; yes, it was unjust; and yes, they did you wrong. But there’s nothing to be done now but forgive.

Forgive people, because they, like us, have many imperfections. They know not what they do. They don’t live up to our expectations and have had difficult pasts that we may not understand fully.

3. Let go of bitterness.

The way to let go of bitterness toward others is to think of the many positive qualities and experiences you’ve had with them.

Your ex is not an evil person; they just weren’t the best person for you.

Instead of being stuck on their flaws and wrongdoings, allow the power of forgiveness to overlook what they’ve ‘done’ to you. Look at what good they’ve done, how much they’ve helped you be a better person, and the happy times you had together.

Remind yourself of their redeeming qualities. See their light.

4. Let go of resentments.

We let go of self-pity and resentments by being more grateful.

Not only be thankful to your ex and the relationship you shared, but start living a life filled with gratefulness.

Notice the small things and the big things that are constantly occurring around you.

Appreciate the kind gesture, the words of encouragement, and the favorable circumstances that unfold in your life.

Making a small gratitude list as you start or end the day can help you move from focusing on resentments to focusing on thankfulness.

5. Let go comparing yourself to others.

What I’ve learned is that no relationship is perfect, and most relationships look good from the outside. Comparing your relationship to others isn’t very constructive.

Once again, transform bitterness toward others to gratefulness that others have found love in their lives. If others have found love, let that be a message of hope and possibility for you.

We are each on our own journeys to better understanding ourselves and loving better. Our journey is independent of anyone else’s.

Your day will come. Your broken love and loss are the seeds of true love.

6. Let go of expectations.

We’ve grown up to expect a lot of things to turn out a certain way. But like the weather and weather reports, you can’t count on sunny and bright all the time.

If we can’t expect good weather, we sure can’t expect a perfect love or a partner to behave a certain way.

The way to be happy in and out of relationships is to let go of expectations and conditions.

Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.

Be open to the magic of possibilities.

7. Let go of resistance.

Although love can be painful and heart-breaking, be willing to open your heart anyway.

Be open to meeting new people, be open to being vulnerable, and be open to falling in love again.

Love can only bloom if you’re open to love in your life. Set the intention for love to enter again.

8. Let go of being tough.

I know the feeling well. “The stronger and more closed I am to others, the less likely someone else will hurt me again.”

If you close your heart and feelings to others, you may avoid pain, but you’ll also miss out on happiness and joy.

Seek to be your most honest self. Instead of hiding behind a cloak of someone you’re not, be yourself in the world, which will only make you more attractive.

By being true to yourself, you’ll also attract people who are better suited for you.

Being vulnerable means being honest about your shortcomings and sharing your feelings. It’s choosing honesty over trying to look good.

9. Let go of telling the same story over and over.

You want to tell the same sad story repeatedly to friends—a love gone wrong, a love soured, a love that fell apart.

What if that story simply wasn’t true?

There are many perspectives and stories in every relationship. Are you holding onto a story of resentment and bitterness?

Are you willing to see a different story? A different perspective?

Could the lost love have helped you grow? Heal some part of yourself? Learn about an open wound?

Is the story you’re telling yourself blocking love from entering your life again?

10. Let go of fear.

The way to let go of fear is to recognize and embrace it.

How is fear holding you back? Is it keeping you stuck from living the life you want or the love you desire?

Call fear out for what it is. What is the worst that can happen if this fear came true? How likely is it that this fear will come true? Have you overcome fears like this in your past?

When you confront fear and acknowledge it for what it is, you can have an honest conversation with fear.

Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self. Even if you break up with them, they can be a conduit to healing and being made whole.

Let go of your blocks keeping you from experiencing joy. Let go and choose love again.

Couple with flashlight hearts image via Shutterstock

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”It can be hard to feel vulnerable after being hurt. However, there is support available, and by taking healthy risks and focusing on our own self-love, we can once again find happy, healthy relationships." - Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC

It is challenging to look past the pain of being hurt by someone you love. You may wonder how you can trust someone without getting hurt again. You may assume a partner will be unfaithful or jump to conclusions thinking the worst. You may doubt someone you’re dating and feel like you can’t trust people anymore. Fear of trusting others can sabotage or otherwise seriously interfere with relationships. It is essential to acknowledge these feelings so that you can learn how to overcome your fear.

Acknowledging Your Vulnerability Is Important

When you’re vulnerable, it is common to be cautious when moving on with a broken heart. Some may develop a fear of abandonment or trusting people due to past relationship experiences that went wrong. This vulnerability leads to building walls to minimize the risk of getting hurt again. You may feel abandoned or fearful of experiencing rejection. These feelings make people run away from their emotions. Instead, learn how to accept and love yourself so that you can see the change you want. Loving yourself is essential to achieving self-forgiveness.

We all have aspects about ourselves that we dislike—physical flaws and imperfections or past mistakes and embarrassing moments. Most of us have insecurities that we wish we could change. You are not the only one who feels this way, and people often forget this. Trusting others again requires taking risks. You have to put yourself out there instead of hiding behind walls. You will experience positive and negative feelings in life, but gaining love from another involves trusting someone with your heart. The key is to learn how to cope with emotional vulnerability. You can talk to someone you trust and practice being open with your feelings.

Trust Yourself First

Before you can trust someone else, you need to trust yourself first. Have trust in your ability to make good choices and trust your judgment. You may feel bad about how things happened in the relationship or feel ashamed for assuming something about a person you’re dating without proof. You don’t have poor judgment because you’ve been hurt. Continue to trust your instincts because they are powerful. Just because you had a painful experience doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust your feelings.

Learn how to build trust in yourself again. Start by thinking about the decisions you made in the past that ended with favorable results. Think about a time when you ended a relationship because someone you cared about broke your trust. Think about all of the good choices you’ve made in your life that led to beneficial outcomes that affect your career, health, and friendships. Getting yourself where you want to be in your life requires trusting yourself. You have done so much to get where you are today by trusting your instincts. Let your good choices remind you of how strong you are.

Change Your Thinking

After being hurt by someone you love, it is common to experience negative thoughts. Improving how you think makes it easier to move on and stay open to experiencing something new, different, and fresh. How you feel about your past influences how you face the future. Please don’t assume your past will repeat itself. You should be willing to confront the emotions bothering you to adopt a mindset to help you make beneficial choices.

Changing your thinking ensures you don’t bring baggage from a previous relationship into a new one. Understanding how you perceive the hurt you experienced is crucial. People become conditioned to believe they will get hurt again, but it is not fair to project this assumption with the next person. Unless they did something that has you questioning their trust, you should give them a chance with an open mind.

Your previous relationship is likely to be different from your new one. After all, everyone is not like your ex. When you assume someone will hurt you again; you may sabotage the relationship before it jumps off. Turn your negative thoughts positive. For example, you might think that your partner doesn’t want to talk to you right now because they didn’t answer your call or text. Instead, switch your thinking around to assume that they are busy with a priority and that they will return your call or text when they can.

When you have trust issues, changing your mindset is a challenge but worth the effort. You’ll reduce anxieties and gain positive energy that benefits both you and your relationship. Focus on doing what you can, and that is how to control your response to others. A changed mindset allows you to enjoy being in a relationship.

Learn How to Forgive Others and Yourself

Forgiveness is difficult, but it will help you move on and let go of vulnerabilities holding you back in the long run. It may be hard to forgive the person who caused your pain, but you can start by forgiving yourself. Self-blame or thinking you should have known better are honest thoughts, but you are not responsible for your partner’s actions.

Allow Time for Self-Healing

If you do not want to continue the relationship, take time out from dating to allow yourself to heal and grieve. Sometimes failed relationships result from rushing into them while still dealing with emotional pain from a previous partner. Allowing time for yourself lets you prepare yourself better for a healthy relationship. Giving time to yourself reduces feelings of fear and getting hurt again because you can focus on yourself while waiting for someone right for you.

Grieving lets you reflect on the relationship, the person you thought you knew, and how they became a different person. You may not want to think about how they hurt you, but it allows your emotions to go through a natural thought process. It is common to experience denial, anger, and depression, but it leads to an acceptance of the situation so that you can let go of the emotional pain.

If you choose to continue the relationship and your partner is trying to work on themselves (for example, through therapy), it’s still important to take time to grieve and feel your emotions. It can be scary to allow yourself to feel difficult emotions fully, but once you do, they tend to pass.

How Loving Yourself Plays a Huge Role

When you love yourself, you accept that you are a human being with imperfections that make you unique. Embrace your past and own your mistakes. Your flaws don’t determine what you do today or tomorrow. If you did someone else wrong, acknowledge it by saying you’re sorry and keep moving forward. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. You know more now than you did then.

Loving yourself helps you understand the significance of your life. You have touched countless lives with your existence. Your being creates a ripple effect in the lives of others, whether you know them personally or not. Embrace your mistakes. They help us learn and produce experiences resulting in personal growth. Let your past help you grow stronger as an individual.

You Don't Have To Battle Vulnerability Alone

Learning to accept and love yourself is a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone. Talk about your emotions through options such as couple’s counseling or work with a relationship expert. Therapy from ReGain, for example, will provide resources and insight on how to overcome the fear of trusting others. You may have unresolved issues from your past that are hindering your ability to trust someone. Showing your true vulnerability is important because it shows that you value your self-worth. It makes it much easier to walk away when someone has hurt you.

Learn from the Experience

What lessons did you learn from your experience? Thinking about your past relationship may spark red flags that you didn’t notice before. Doing so will help you to take responsibility for your part in what happened. Placing the blame on your partner is easy, but consider what you would have done differently. Would you have changed how you communicated to your partner about your needs? Were there warning signs about your partner’s trust?

After thinking about it, people conclude that the relationship would have ended anyway or were not surprised at how it ended. You may notice signs to help you identify the traits of a person considered untrustworthy. What have you learned about yourself and your trust? Whatever lessons are learned, use them to establish a better direction for your next relationship. Your experience helps you see how to trust yourself to make better decisions moving forward while also making it easier to trust someone else.

Don’t allow fear of trusting someone to keep you from experiencing a loving relationship. It is natural to build emotional barriers to prevent heartbreak but hiding behind them could prevent you from connecting with the love you deserve. Your trust was disrupted, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be reestablished. No matter how badly you’ve been hurt, it is possible to learn how to trust someone again.

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